Avoiding Family Conflict: Having a Peaceful Holiday Gathering

Delicious food. Laughter. Meaningful conversations. That’s what most people envision when they think of holiday gatherings. 

Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. 

Bringing together a large, diverse group of family and friends can be unexpectedly stressful. Different personalities, clashing political views, and abrasive communication styles can leave you feeling decidedly no-so-festive. 

So what do you do when you want to celebrate with people you may not see regularly, but want to skip unnecessary family conflict? 

Here are some ways to avoid holiday drama and enjoy peaceful, joyful celebrations.

Prepare Yourself Beforehand

Prepping for a holiday gathering is a lot like making your favorite holiday meal.

Think of all the ingredients that go into a big holiday meal—onions, potatoes, yams, garlic, whipped cream, butter, spices…Combined just right, they create a delicious feast. 

Now imagine mixing those ingredients in unusual ways: basting the turkey with whipped cream, adding a cup of sugar to your green beans, or putting roasted garlic into your pumpkin pie filling. The ingredients might be right, but the result is complete chaos. 

Holiday celebrations can often feel like that: chaotic and disorganized, even though the right “ingredients” are in place. The blend of personalities can cloud what should be a happy gathering, bringing unexpected disappointment, awkward tension, and major stress. 

Your first strategy for avoiding conflict at holiday gatherings is to prepare yourself mentally. Try these strategies before your celebration, for a smoother, more peaceful time with your loved ones.

Establish Boundaries

Setting boundaries before the holidays can prevent misunderstandings, reduce tension, and ensure that everyone feels seen, heard, and respected. This could include sensitive topics to avoid, hosting responsibilities or expectations, and anything else you feel is important. Decide on your boundaries; communicate them with kindness.

Familiarize Yourself with the Guest List

Knowing beforehand who you’ll encounter is a good way to mentally prepare yourself for their personality. That aunt who always asks when you’ll get married? Have an interesting conversation topic prepared to distract her. Sister’s kids have a habit of running wild after sugary desserts? Invite your cousins for a post-dinner walk before the meltdowns begin.

Arrive Happy

Set an intention early to have a wonderful day, then make it so. Do little—or big—things that help you feel at peace throughout the day. You can listen to music, go for a walk, meditate…whatever helps you feel good. Then carry your calm mood with you to your holiday celebration. Because when you’re in a good mood, you’re less likely to be irked by sarcastic comments or drawn into unnecessary debates.

Let It Go

Words and attitudes are often more reflective of what is going on inside a person, not you. As Don Miguel Ruiz advises in his self-help book, The Four Agreements, “Don’t take anything personally.” 

Accept that each person will behave the way they do, and don’t let it affect your mood or ruin your holiday.

Refuse to Engage

Despite all your prep work, there will always be people and situations that try your patience and determination to stay peaceful. 

Sigh. Deep breath. Repeat...

So how do you respond to invasive, offensive, or nosy questions and comments? You don't. Instead, follow the wise advice of a Scottish proverb that advises you to "Taste your words before you spit them out."  It’s a simple but effective reminder to pause and consider your words before you speak them aloud. 

Conflict is like a game of catch; neither can occur without the participation of both parties. 

Sure, someone can throw you a ball. And you may choose to catch it—but you don't have to throw it back. Now reframe this and think of it as a game of dodgeball. Instead of being baited, provoked, and triggered by rude remarks or questions, just let them go to the outfield. 

When you take a deep breath, step back, and do not respond, you’ve won the game. What do you win? You win your sense of power back from the control you have maintained, and you win your peace.

If you feel tempted to argue back or answer with a snappy retort, remember this classic piece of advice. "If you’re caught in a rip current, don't swim against the tide. Swim along the shoreline until you escape the current’s pull."

Reclaim Your Peace

You may be tempted to take medication or sip an extra glass of wine to get through stressful holiday gatherings, but there are healthier ways to stay calm and peaceful. 

If you feel your stress level rising, practice one or more of these stress-relieving strategies during your next holiday event.

• Tapping: EFT, also known as tapping, is a revolutionary solution for coping with and eliminating stress, anxiety, and other negative emotions. The Tapping Solution by Nick Ortner is an excellent resource for learning more.
• Mindfulness: Prayer and meditation can help you feel—and stay—calm and cool when family conflicts arise. Find a room where you can be alone for a quick few minutes, or take a short walk to clear your mind.
• Intentional Breathing: Deep breaths! In numerology 4 is the number of balance. Inhale deeply to the count of four, hold for the count of four, then exhale to the count of four. Picture yourself releasing your stress as you release your breath.

Above all, remain patient. The late Wayne W. Dyer said, "Infinite patience produces immediate results." In this case, the result you’ll see is a peaceful holiday gathering, devoid of family conflicts or drama.

Keep the Day in Perspective

We gather on holidays with the hope and intention of no tension, but that’s not always the case. Keeping the day in perspective can help you avoid conflicts, keep your cool, and enjoy your holiday celebration.

Think of all the preparation that goes into preparing for any major event or holiday—all the thought, planning, shopping, cooking, cleaning, details, preparation. Yet the gathering itself is usually over in a day.

For all the potential family conflicts, a holiday is just another day. In the entire total of days in your lifetime, it is but a few scant hours. A blip on the radar of time. While family conflict can feel overwhelming and frustrating in the moment, it’s only a tiny portion of your life. 

And lifetimes are what truly matters here. Because one of these celebrations will be the last time this exact group will gather together. You never know when it’ll happen, but eventually, there will be fewer people. An empty chair. A missing plate. 

What if the next time you gather with your loved ones is for the funeral of one of the people present? Does a biting remark matter as much as extending grace to someone you may not see again? A little patience and grace now can help you avoid a lifetime of guilt and regrets later.

Adopt the 5-Year Rule

Not every dig, barb, or passive-aggressive comment is worth getting—or staying—upset about. Will this matter in 5 minutes? In 5 months? In 5 years? 

Some things might seem important now. But when you put them into perspective, you may realize that they aren’t as big. 

As the one and only Cher once said, "If something will not be important in five years, it isn't important now." 

Choose your battles wisely, and refuse to engage in conflicts that, in the long run, won’t truly affect your life.

Create New Traditions

Sometimes, family conflict arises because there simply isn’t enough to do. People start to get restless and fall back into old habits, including making offensive comments, raising sensitive topics, and showing other unpleasant behaviors.

Take the reins at your next holiday gathering by introducing new traditions that create an inclusive, positive environment for everyone.

• Gratitude Sharing: Take turns sharing what you’re grateful for during the past year.
• Memory Sharing: Relive some of your favorite family memories, bringing everyone closer together as you remember happy times spent together.
• Outdoor Time: Take an after-dinner walk; it’s good for both your physical and mental health. Even moderate exercise releases mood-boosting hormones that will make everyone happier—and easier to get along with.
• Arts and Crafts: If your holiday gathering includes children, a table with craft supplies can help keep them happily entertained.

Focus on Family

Plentiful food. Good company. Happy memories. At the end of the day, what truly matters is the celebration family.

Follow the timeless wisdom of focusing on the rose, not the thorns. So take another deep breath and try to see it and enjoy it as a family comedy, not a family drama. Relax, enjoy, and allow yourself to create a peaceful holiday gathering that everyone can enjoy.

Remember, peace in the world begins with peace within yourself. Easier to say than do perhaps, but it has to start somewhere. So why not let it start with you?

Enjoy the positive memories you are making, and cherish every fleeting moment you spend with your family.